Action. Reaction. My Soul is a Hole to Ash in. Instant Sedation. Controlled Genital Inspiration. STERILE and FERAL. Monkey Stuck in the Treadmill Barrel. hands spotted...and soul stained...... what's so funny today...... The Joke..The Joke.. The Joke Is You. |
Author's Comments
This is a rare occurence. Me submitting the written word. Crit's are welcome. I don't show this side easily.
Comments
 haha. thats great. i like it alot acctually. i normaly hate written stuff.
-- ------------------------------------------------------------------ Stand together. Stand Strong. Punks & Skins unite & fight! ~punks  Interesting topic, and well subjects that I wouldn't have expected normally. It seems to be somewhat confused and a bit angry at others to me. Overall the content of this poem is good.
Monky Stuck in the Treadmill Barrel is a nice line, it got me to laugh.  One thing that did bug me was how the first stanza starts out as one word per line, then shifts towards small sentences. It seems broken to me. If there was an effect to made by that it went WOOSH over my head.  i like this because its you. its not wriiten like a 'poem', trying tomake itself into some form that it may not fit... its raw words and expression and well, thats why it is awesomess.
 -- God sure baked a lot of fruitcake, baby - Joe Strummer awesomeNESS.
-- God sure baked a lot of fruitcake, baby - Joe Strummer  This is a rap .. no seriously, the fact that it doesn't ryhme makes it more straight to the point. Like normal speech.
It's good, but I'm no joke, just a laughing matter.   somehow I like the structure of it.
This is called free verse, or spoken word poetry. I really like the subtle rhyming in there. "ash in" rhymes with "action" and " reaction", in a very spoken way. Also with "soul-hole" and "feral-barrel", very smooth rhyming, not too obvious. One line I'd improve is "the joke is you" : the rhythmic would be better if it was "the joke is on you". The joke... the joke... the joke is on you. Kind of reminds me of the house, the house, the house is on fire  -- - Time traveller dies tragically. (1967 - 1608)  Really Ricky, is there anything you can't do?
It always seems that poetry or prose looks like it's author. And this poem exemplifies that, it looks and sounds so you. I love the broken verses and the subtle rhymes. This is like beatpoetry with a dash of Tom Waits, read with a bottle of whiskey in hand and then going out to beat the shit out of the audience.  Haha that made me laugh.
I can't give you a critique because it's just so perfectly you.  -- #treefort Join the Riot!  OMFG dude!! this totally rules!! you have the same thoughts as me
 ...btw.. are you jerking off in this section of it  hands spotted...and soul stained...... .. anywho  nice deep, emotions. |
Details
February 8, 2004
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